Dear Santa: A Christmas Wish
Dear Santa,
I think I should start out by saying that you and me are going to run into problems if you continue on in this manner. What manner? I think you know. I mean, you have a book that tells you who is naughty and who is nice, so I’m sure somewhere in that book of yours there’s like a subsection with a person’s particular merits or misdeeds. (I know that parking lot fire from ’04 is in there. Unless you’re going to tell me there’s some OTHER reason you didn’t give me a jet pack you stingy old…
I digress.
You’re probably thinking that starting off a letter with me ragging on you is in bad form. Especially when I’m asking for what I’m asking for this year. (We’ll get to that.) But I have to insist that my current attitude is merely a drop in the bucket compared to the grievous oversight of Christmas 2005 and 06 when I didn’t get the power to manipulate the human brain.
But I’m not to hold that against you for two reasons; the first being that you have to pick your battles and second, your foresight not to supply me with such a devastating power might have been for the best as I don’t think I want that power anymore now that Janet has left me, and I no longer have to try and justify my actions on a daily basis. And lets be brutally honest here, Santa. If I CONSTANTLY have to explain to the love of my life why it is I have a need to gamble and, as she crudely put it “whore around”, then maybe she’s not the love of my life after all, right?
I don’t want to skip over this “whoring around” allegation, but there are more pressing matters that I feel we need to get to. And, if your book does have the subsection –under W for ‘whoring’–I’m sure you can see the truth of the matter with that.
Alright, Santa, lets get to it. As you might have noticed in these previous paragraphs, there’s a pattern developing. If you haven’t sorted it for yourself, I’ll tell you; You haven’t delivered on ONE of my top items in the last 8 years. I haven’t even gotten anything in my top ten for the last 6 years. This, sir, is a GROSS oversight, and if I may be so bold, I expected more out of you.
Like I said, I’m going to overlook the 05 and 06 seasons as it turns out you were technically right to not provide me with that power. But let’s talk about ’03. You remember ’03, don’t you? Heck of a year that one. That was when that Polynesian dictator died the day after Thanksgiving. Now you might be justifying your actions by telling me that handing over the birthright to an “extremist” regime is kind of hard to do on such a short notice. And while the ensuing power vacuum did make it an awkward and tumultuous time in that region’s history, I submit that YOU SIR travel the world handing out presents to BILLIONS of people in the span of 24 hours, pulled along by highly wind-resistant, albeit adorable hoofed animals. So YOU tell ME why I’m not lording over a bunch of peasant workers right now.
Now that I think about it, my request for ’02 was a little bit much, and I’m sure there has GOT to be some clause in your contract that prohibits acts of violence and/or murder. So, I suppose I’m ok with you skipping that one. Besides, it turned out I wasn’t even IN his will at all. Isn’t life funny?
My biggest disappointment of all came last year. I did not receive ONE present on my top twenty list. Not the least of which was my own island with a throng of pygmy worshippers. Why not? First of all, I’d like to go on record, Santa, in terms of politeness and niceties, that I was exceptional in ’08, barring a few isolated incidents.
The first big exception to the year is that lady that I hit with her own purse somewhere between 2 and 35 times. (The official arrest report was vague on the amount.)
That incident notwithstanding, the only other real infraction that occurred was me stealing my co-worker’s banana and chocolate chip muffin. But I need to remind you that I didn’t finish the muffin. After about one bite I realized I was eating a banana and chocolate chip piece of garbage and chucked it back at her. You’re gonna want to check the rule book to see where that one stands by the way, because I’m not convinced it was worth the strike against me. Especially when you factor in good intentions, because now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure Louise is diabetic. And if that’s the case, then technically I did her a service, because given her condition that could have been fatal. I know you’re thinking that’s a pretty big stretch but think of it like this; if that muffin HAD been fatal, it would have been MORALLY IRRESPONSIBLE for me to stand by and allow her to eat herself to death. I don’t know about you, but the death of an overweight co-worker with two kids isn’t something I need looming over my head.
Actually, while we’re on the topic, the heading of MORALLY RESPONSIBLE INTENT should help to account for a few things from the 2009 sin season. Including, but not limited to; That time I stole that 11 year old’s ten speed. My arrest for stealing mall fountain change. Disrupting the PBS pledge drive. At least 3 occasions of public urination and that time I shaved “WINNER DOG” on the side of the mayor’s dachshund. (Which frankly shouldn’t count as it’s more of a compliment than anything.)
As for the most recent “misunderstanding” I’m dealing with, –the details of which I am legally not allowed to discuss– the incident in question took place on September 19th of this year, and my court date doesn’t come up until Jan. 15th. So I have to plead the case that since the court system hasn’t made a ruling on it, that you can’t either as to do so would be a magnificent misuse of your power.
You need to understand that if the judge should find me guilty, (and frankly I don’t see how as it was WAY too dark that night for anyone to get a clear and positive description), I’m fully prepared to have this mark against my 2010 Christmas record. A very agreeable and gracious compromise you have to admit.
Ok, that unpleasantness aside, I have to get to my Christmas list for this year:
1. A snow mobile with mountable AK-47 (optional MP3 Player)
2. Mount Everest (The surrounding villages are assumed, but not required)
3. For hollowing out a proper mountain headquarters, I need a T-24 Caterpillar with 60 inch front end drill, also known as the “Mountain Killer” (If I don’t get Everest, don’t worry about this. Actually, scratch that. I want this regardless.)
4. The ability to turn rocks into chocolate. (SUSTENANCE!)
5. The new Miley Cyrus concert DVD “Hannah Montana Eats The World”
6. Wealth and power beyond all comprehension (optional MP3 Player)
Or, since you’re probably going to give me the big stiff like usual, I might as well ask for what I know I’m gonna get:
1. 3-pack of gillette razor replacement blades.
2. “Stop being a douche: 7 steps to a more likeable you” audio CD. (You got me this last year, and I returned it for $32.99 at Walmart. SUCK ON THAT!)
So, with warmest wishes for a great holiday and not at all a wish for you to choke on your own facial hair,
Charles J.
